Coming Out of the Broom Closet

Week 29 (O): how [not] to come out of the broom closet

There are good and bad ways to come out of the closet, and I’m about to share some excellent advice* with you. This post was originally inspired by an old post I stumbled across back in the day, when Livejournal was the place where all the cool kids hung out. Since then, I’ve read many pieces on coming out of the broom closet and figured it was about time I added my $0.02 to the pot.

1) When coming out to your family, be sure to do so at the dinner table. Bonus points if you pray first, and explain later.


2) When someone shouts at you that being pagan is a terrible decision, be sure to remind them that they have to accept it (or else).


3) Before you come out of the broom closet, buy the biggest pentacle you can find and wear it often. This will ease the transition and get you the attention you want.


4) Constantly remind everyone that black cats are the most magic and that you’ll only ever have black cats because you’re a Real Witch™.


5) Also remind everyone that you are not doing the Devil’s work but instead are an angel of light.


6) Arguing with people on the internet about what real witches do and do not do is a rite of passage. Go forth!


7) People who have been Pagan way longer than you don’t actually know anything. Don’t ask any of them for advice** because they’re snarky bastards who will make fun of you in blog posts (guilty as charged).


8) Make sure to stress how you are the Only True Witch, while thoroughly shittalking*** other people who are also new to Paganism and making the same mistakes as you.


9) Plan your coming out for a major holiday. Bonus points if it’s a parent’s or relative’s birthday. After all, the most important person in this process is YOU.


10) Expect the timeline for everyone to get used to the idea of you being Pagan to be approximately one week. After that, be sure to express your supreme irritation and disgust with anyone who asks questions about your new identity.


11) Be prepared to answer everyone’s questions. Bonus points if you sound like you swallowed a Silver Ravenwolf book when you do answer. (Be sure to use Hermione Granger’s cadence when lecturing others! The Muggles usually aren’t capable of understanding, but give it a shot anyway.)


12) Speaking of Hermione, draw a great many comparisons between your faith and Harry Potter. It will help everybody understand****.


13) Every time you introduce yourself to a new person, proclaim your Paganism. “Hi, I’m So-and-so, and guess what? You just shook hands with a really powerful witch! [So don’t screw with me.]”


Too mean? Probably. All joking? Of course. Mostly.


* Not actually excellent advice, unless all your family and closest friends appreciate snark as much as I do.

** Seriously tongue in cheek. Many older Pagans can and do give excellent advice. Ask with an open heart, and be sure you’re not starting from a place of ignorance. If you say something stupid, or you get told, apologize. Be humble, as you are the seeker.

*** If this isn’t actually a word, it should be.

**** Actually, it will help most people roll their eyes at you.

2 responses

  1. Number 6 made me laugh aloud! Boy, do I remember discovering the pagan boards on AOHell….

    July 18, 2014 at 12:45 pm

  2. ROFL. I absolutely loved the “angel of light” reference, as all bible thumpers know… the devil “disguises himself as an angel of light” (2 Cor 11:14 for all you non-former-thumpers).

    July 18, 2014 at 3:26 pm

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